(Copyright, Circle of Security International, 2018)
Parenting is hard. To everyone who is a parent, this states the obvious.
The long nights of broken sleep ………the struggle to guess what your child wants and needs from you………. the big emotions (theirs & yours!)………..the battles of will…………the sense of responsibility to raise them well………….the constant worry ”are they OK…….am I doing this right?”
We prepare mothers for the labour and delivery of children, but we do very little to prepare parents for the biggest task of all, lifelong parenting. As a result so much of our parenting is shaped by our own experiences of being parented, often ‘automatically’ because our responses to our children are driven in ways we are not aware of, by our own early learning about how parenting is done. Most parents recognise this in the moments when they catch themselves sounding or acting like their parent without intending to ….. ….”Gosh…..when I just said that……I sounded just like my Dad/Mum did with me”.
Sometimes parenting the way we were parented works well, if we were lucky to have consistent, attuned, well-bounded care, unconditional love and acceptance. Sometimes it works less well if we experienced unpredictable, invalidating care, care with too-few or too-many limits, harshness or conditional love.
So what can help parents go beyond their ‘automatic’ learnings about how parenting is done to parent in ways they choose, to fit their values, their environment and which draws upon decades of study about what promotes child social & emotional development?
The Circle of Security Parenting (COSP) is an 8-week, relationship-based parenting program developed by American Psychotherapists Cooper, Hoffman and Powell (2014). COSP draws upon 60 years of evidence about the central role secure attachment relationships play in early child social and emotional development, as (initially) described by the Paediatrician & Psychoanalyst John Bowlby (1969/82). A secure attachment relationship between a child and caregiver/s is one of basic trust where the caregiver is a secure-base to launch out from to explore and learn; a safe-haven to return to for comfort, protection and regulation; and where the caregiver takes charge or sets limits as needed, firmly and with kindness to maintain safety and order.
As the COSP program describes, this secure child-parent or caregiver attachment relationship is associated with a wide range of positive social and emotional outcomes in children. These include children having more trust in the people they love, more happiness with parents and willingness to turn to them for help, less anger toward parents, better relationships with siblings, better relationships with friends and more lasting friendships, better problem-solving alone and with others, higher self-esteem and more kindness toward others (Circle of Security International, 2018).
The COSP program distils the essence of attachment theory and presents it to parents using beautiful animations & graphics, video of child-parent interactions, recorded interviews with parents, and experiential activities. These act as vehicles for parents or caregivers to learn more about their child’s social and emotional development, the social and emotional needs their child is cueing through their behaviour, and to choose to strengthen their relationship-based parenting responses to this if they wish.
The COSP program can be delivered to individual parents or caregivers, parent or caregiver couples or to a group of parents. It can be run face-to-face or live-online, and includes a Parent/Caregiver Workbook which summarises the content of each session and offers brief, reflective activities the parent or caregiver can do between sessions to practice these ideas further.
At MindEcology, I am also trained to deliver the Circle of Security Intensive Program (COSI) which is a more tailored version of COS designed to identify the unique relationship struggles occurring in a given attachment relationship, to help the parent see and overcome these to promote secure attachment. This program is delivered face-to-face, either to individual parents and caregivers or to parent and caregiver groups over 10 weeks. It involves interviewing the parent and video-taping their interaction with their child before the program, then using these materials with the parent during the program to strengthen awareness, choice and relationship change.
Because the Childcare and Kindergarten setting is often a ‘home away from home’ for young children where they also have attachment relationships with key Educators, there is also a version of the COS program designed specifically for Early Childhood Educators (COS Classroom). This version aligns with the Department of Education and Training – Victorian Early Years Framework (2016), which endorses relationship-based social and emotional curricula.
The feedback I have had from parents and caregivers who have done COSP program with me at MindEcology has been overwhelmingly positive. Parents often report it has been a personal development for them as much as a support in their parenting.
So if you are a parent seeking to explore more choice in your parenting, choice built upon the trust, love, acceptance and safety you cultivate in your relationship with your child, COSP would be a great place to start……………….
Sources
Bowlby, J. (1969/82). Attachment and loss: Volume 1. Attachment 2. New York, Basic Books.
Circle of Security International (2018). Circle of Security Parenting Program – Facilitator Manual.
Department of Education and Training (2016). Victorian Early Years Framework.
Powell, B., Cooper, G. & Hoffman, K. (2014). The Circle of Security Intervention: Enhancing Attachment in Early Parent-Child Relationships. The Guildford Press, N.Y.